Why Adventure?

Why adventure?
Because you can learn about yourself
Because you can learn about others
Because you can learn about the world.
Because you can jump from an airplane and fall through the clouds
Because you can jump from a bridge with an elastic band and a bath towel around your ankles and live to tell the tale
Because you can jump from a building, stop and pose for a photo, and land on your feet
Like a Superman with style.
Because you can pack a backpack for a year or two or three
And at the end of the time, have so much to show for it, so much to tell about it
Because in the end even though you may have so many bragging rights, you don't want to brag
In fact it's the last thing you'd want to do.
Because you have been humbled
By the foot of Mt. Everest
By the peaks of the Himalayas
By the presence of the Dalai Lama
By the grandeur of the Taj Mahal
By the length and scope of the Great Wall of China
By the stone ruins of Angkor Wat
By the suffering of the prisoners in S21
By the deaths of them in the Killing Fields
By generosity of the strangers you met along the way
Who have so much less than you
And don't mind or resent you for it
By beautiful beaches
And horrible conditions
By earthquakes and tsunamis and nuclear disasters
By the friends you've met and come to love
Because when you adventure you are open to all these things
Because when you adventure you become more open to everything
And everyone.
Because when you adventure you read about people like this: http://roguepriest.net/the-great-adventure/
Instead of people who are famous for being famous and very little else
Because when you adventure,
You live.
Truly, fully, deeply.
Every day.
Always.
All your life.

Wow.

I just commented on my friend Christine's blog out of overwhelming need to tell her how cute her kid was and what a great shot she got of him (impressive on two counts, in that I'm not all too impressed with the "cuteness" of kids generally, and secondly no matter how good the photography I'm rarely moved to comment).

Due to Blogger's WONDERFULLY restrictive commenting options - how bout just the normal name/email/url maybe? - I used this identity. Then clicked on it to see what exactly it links to. And lo and behold! My life of a year and a half some ago. Such secrets, such secrecy. Well I am OUT and PROUD now, baby! And nope, nothing to do with sexuality...the big thing on the horizon that no one could know about was none other than this marvelous trip through Asia we're on!

My, what a lifetime ago. To imagine, having to cower in shame and sin, for daring to dream, and moreover...daring to do. What a wretched lifetime that was...to be sitting on the knowledge that we were plotting and planning and eventually would be embarking on probably our greatest endeavor of our lives short of having kids, and having to hide it, pretend it didn't exist. Imagine!?

It sounds ridiculous, but it was reality. Between the economic climate of the time and the unacceptable possibility of either or both of us losing our jobs prematurely if they knew we had plans to exit anyway and they needed another head for the chopping block, along with the general lack of enthusiasm, encouragement or support and downright opposition we would receive from some family members...our beautiful dream was kept as our dirty secret.

But nevermind all that. It is so far behind us now. It needn't resurface until we pen our memoirs and our books on the whole process and journey. Then it will need to, because undoubtedly it is a rocky and ridiculous path that others will have to walk across. Additionally, we want to start removing those rocks in general. So many of our friends and family would and did and do support, encourage, and cheer for what we were planning and are now doing; it isn't fair that a few can hold so much negative sway. But they can. And they do. The greatest sword against this unfairness is, as usual, none sculpted in violence or anger but education and empathy. I'll probably never live to see a day where all rocks on a winding path are removed in any regard; but I'll almost undoubtedly get to live a life where every day at least a few can be picked up and put aside.

Anyway, life is wicked good now. Sjoerd came and went and met Ray and we all had a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful 3 weeks together. Who says exes and exes of exes/current significant others can't all be best of friends! They can! And now we are free and open and living it up on the open (silk?) road through Asia. We've been on the road almost 8 months now, and the trip has been everything we hoped it would be times a thousand. From seeing the Dalai Lama to 9-day whitewater rafting trips through Nepal to the Taj Mahal to laying cheek-to-back on a tiger in Thailand, we've been going full throttle into some of the best days and certainly greatest memories of our lives and loving every second of it (except for maybe the day we had Delhi Belly the first week in India and thought we might die).

This blog did its job well; I'm still writing "professionally", as in writing and getting money for it, and that pulls in a little income every month. It's not much, but it's enough to, say, offset the costs to go pet the tigers again, which I think is good enough! Meanwhile, Ray and I are still working when we can to develop our real heart and soul, our site which I'd now like to direct your attention to henceforth: www.operationbackpackasia.com

All the best, and thanks for all the fish!

Big Times

I realize I've pretty much purposely abandoned this writing project, I think for a couple of reasons. Foremost, it seemed futile on a couple of levels, primarily being, no one of the greater public was reading it anyway. Secondly, even if someone were to read it, they weren't getting full honesty as I am accustomed to and even adamant about. I hardly see what the point is to take a snapshot of my life if it's not of the whole picture anyway. I have never had to hide things or be evasive or omitting of anything, let alone huge things, but sometimes such things have to be done for a time. I don't intend it to be forever and not even for much longer, but until I can cast that elephant from my room, there's not really a point in "updating" because I'm not really updating anything in my heart at all, and that's where I've always written from.

Lastly, I guess this blog accomplished the purpose I had given it, which was to jumpstart my writing habits again/finally/for the first time...and it did. I've now got nearly $700 in my paypal account solely from writing endeavors - and extremely casual, low stress ones at that. It was just what I wanted and needed, just a start, to begin the habit, and to get a taste for what it's like to make money doing what I do. I'm consumed at the moment with other things as well, but it is of great enticement to know that lurks, ever-ready, waiting for me to seize the infinite opportunities that exist for me to wield my pen at.

And, just like that, once the preamble is laid, my spark to inspire the writing despite all these things has faltered. Not for good, just for tonight. It is late after all. But...I might as well post this anyway, and maybe next time I can get right to it.

Suffice it to say for now then, that big things are on the horizon. Sjoerd arrives in 3 days.

Plugging along

Back in Tucson, and fairly well adjusted. Thankfully even though I was gone for about the same amount of time, it isn't going to take 2 months to come back down to "real life" the way it did after the cruise. Visiting mom was more restful and enjoyable, as opposed to the cruise which was adventure and too much of a taste of the old world-unexplored high to be able to return to the 9-5 (er, 6a-12:30p) with any kind of enthusiasm.

Things are good. Ray and I had a nice talk today about things upcoming which was nice, and took advantage of the last day ever that we'll be able to cash in our old books for store credit at Borders. They changed their policy along with Barnes and Noble a few weeks back that store receipts are now required for a return. Gee, ya think! I'd be bummed except I was already amazed that I was still able to do that for so long, and plus we were able to swap out a whooooooole lot more years-old books for brand new ones than I'd ever have thought possible. Score one for keeping your property in like-new condition.

I'd say which books I got in exchange, but...not yet. Hopefully someday soon. I can see the end of that tunnel now, at least...

Esteban and Monica got married last night, and I had a lot of fun at the reception with Ray and his friends. Not as much fun this morning, but...well, it was worth it. :) It was sure a neat feeling though even in the throes of the open bar and its according inhibitions, to see a guy you want to be flirting with and have him already be all yours, before, during, and long after. He was gorgeous as ever, and a few times I caught myself thinking I'm sure glad I got so lucky as to get a guy with such beautiful eyes. I felt like I did that night at dinner for Prom, when I looked at him and felt both such familiarity, and awe...

One other big thing (huge, gargantuan, mind-blowing?). Sjoerd's now the holder of an Amsterdam-Phoenix roundtrip airline ticket, and in just over two months I will be seeing one of my very best friends again for the first time in two years, since we hugged each other goodbye in another fateful airport farewell, where you never know if or when you'll see each other again, or how things will have changed. Boy I can sure say for all the open-ended things I might have thought would come to pass in the ensuing days, I definitely NEVER could have predicted THIS. Ray, living together, the cruise job, still being in Arizona, racking up some monster savings and some matching plans. But life's life, and here we are, and you roll with the punches and do your best to maintain the ties that mean the most to you, and Soj and I have done a DAMNED good job of doing so. And Ray and I have done a DAMNED good job of building a relationship that is so solid that it is in no way threatened by the presence of someone I have, and do, love so dearly as I do Sjoerd. I feel pretty grateful for those two gifts in my life, that have come in the form of these two incredible examples of how strong, and loving, people can truly be.

It is liberating to be able to love so freely, without being held back or stifled or stunted or made to feel badly for it.

All in all, I couldn't be happier with this stage of the game.

I hate Duality

Well, tonight is almost my last night in Idaho with mom. I hate this shit. I hate that to move forward means moving away from where you were. Doesn't matter where, or whom, or when, it's always the same. To go to New Zealand meant to leave NAU, to adventure on with Sjoerd meant to leave Queenstown, to meet Ray meant to leave Sjoerd, to have my life in Tucson means to not have life with mom. To go to Asia means to not have any of it, anything else. It means deepest enrichment of the newest kinds but complete isolation from all that was.

Most pertinently at the moment, to go back to Ray, and the ratties, and my room, and hockey, and enjoying a wonderful relationship, means to give up the fun days exploring and hanging out and doing lots but doing little, and getting to see my cousins, and hanging out with mom. Life can be so unfair. It's like it throws these lessons in your face, and I'm cognizant about how I should be making the most of it, but how do you really? I mean you reach a saturation point where there's just not much to do in the minute to minute, but watch the sand trickle through, until at the end of it you're left holding the top empty and the bottom full, and then it's time to pick up and move on and say goodbye again.

I know there's no real option but to hunker down and never move again, and maybe that's why so many people do that. But for better or worse, I wasn't born with that option instilled, and it never did get grilled into me. How could it, I'm the product of a nomadic mother. It's done me great good that those same people who hunker will never know, but damned if it doesn't give me wrenchings that they'll never know either.

Anyways, I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm just feeling the bummer of it all. I've had fun, and I can't entirely say I want to leave, and I can't entirely say I don't want to go home. I'm stuck in the middle, and I hate it. Well. I'M not stuck in the middle. Life will carry me on regardless of my feelings about it, so I guess it's just my feelings that are stuck on it. And in the end oh the fuck well about that. It's back to work on Wednesday anyway and then this and that and this and that and on and on and on.

Ugh I know I'm working towards something with great payoff down the road but it's getting harder to see that. The travel seems just as daunting as the work to earn the travel. I don't want to go back to the grind and I don't want to be out on the limb either. But I don't want to kill myself either so where does that leave a person?

One foot in front of the other, I suppose. One day at a time, with a deep breath, or a try at it anyway which is usually the best I can muster, and knowing that even though at the moment it doesn't feel like this feeling will ever pass...it will, and probably it won't take too long after all. It's always been the moment of change anyway that was the hardest. I didn't even want to remove myself from that grind all that much to begin with, right, so why should it be so hard to go back. I guess it won't be so hard to BE back (so I'm telling myself emptily at the moment), it's just the GOING back. So much work...so much faith...and on what? I've never been these places, I don't speak the language, I don't know the people, I don't know that it will all be worthwhile....

But, well, even as I speak the words I know they are untrue. Well, they are true, most of them. But I do know that it will be worthwhile.

It always has been.

But still.

And on the subject of love...

Ok, my love, this one's for you.
I felt bad, tonight, and hesitated as to whether I should even tell you
the Truth
But I never want to sacrifice the Truth, even if it's to preserve your Feelings
Not because I don't care
Infinitely
More than anything
About you...
But,
Because I do.

So I don't ever want a moment, even a special moment
One of those warm fuzzy ones
To be based on a farce
To be based on something
That wasn't true, and
Play you like a fool
For letting you go on believing
As though it were.

So no, Ray, that last one, it wasn't about you.
Notice how I didn't mention the name, before
There was a reason for that, because
Yours is the only name on my lips

And I know that lately
My thoughts have been with others
Maybe seemingly any others
Besides you, but
Once again
That's not true.

It's because you're always there
Behind me,
[figuratively]
For you are always there...
Beside me
[I will never look upon you as anything but my Equal]

And it's because of your steadfastness
And because of my faith in us
And my feelings for you
That I dare to let my heart expand
AS IT'S MEANT TO
Without feeling fear
Or hesitancy
To love
Others
Sometimes even as much
As I love you.

[This does not change the fact
That you
Are the only one
I want to BE with.]

[ever.]

Ray I don't know who came up with the notion
That if you love someone completely
You can only love That person
That much.
Me, I reject that notion.
Completely.

Because Ray, I have found that with Love
When I Love
The more I love - the more I have known love,
The more I have been able to give and share and grow Love...
The more I have to give.
The more I have to share.
And the more it is able to Grow.

Whose twisted idea was it that to do so,
Is to detract from your love with That person?
Whose idiocy dictated that if you are committed,
Then you stay between the lines,
Period.

Whose friggin backwards logic
Says that
"Here is one person,
Who accepts your love
And you
For all you are
And all it can be,
And gives it back tenfold,
Always...
So
STOP THERE."
As in,
Do not look for others to love
Do not share what you have in you
With others,
Gasp, not like that, certainly.

Because I have found you, and you have found me
Does that aid the ailing heart
Who has never been asked to feel?
Who has never been told by fingertips who speak from the cosmos
That it is ok to let go, and
What it can feel like
When they do?

Imagine not knowing how to love...
I know you can.

How much sense does it make that if we can learn these things
And expound upon them with each other,
Then as our revelations grow...
We keep them between only ourselves
We
Who already know them.
Who already enjoy them.
When others, especially my FRIENDS,
Go to sleep aching inside?

And I'm to walk away and say "sorry, it's not my problem now, because
I've got a Permanent love now"?

Good luck with that?

Hope you can find someone who understands?
The way I know that I do?

I'll tell you who came up with this frightened law,
A frightened person.
A person too scared to hold their Love with an open palm.
A person too scared that their love
Wouldn't withstand the tests of unconventionality
Or the tests of when you say you'll love someone forever
STAYING true to them
Even when circumstances change
Or even because circumstances with others
Are challenging.
Especially then.

I am not afraid.

And so I say again,
When I Love
The more I love - the more I have known love
The more I have been able to give and share and grow Love...
The more I have to give.
The more I have to share.
And the more it is able to Grow.
ALL loves.
With That person, and with every other person
That I have ever known.

That is why I am in touch with so many people from my past
That is why it matters
SO MUCH
to me.
That is why I always hold on
Even when they don't hold on back.
Like you didn't...
Once.

I hold on, because I can
Because I have that love to spare
And I never learned to stop caring about them because
I never felt I had to.
You don't make me feel I have to, because
You
Are wonderful.
Because you
Are amazing,
Just like I always knew you would be
As we were growing up.

I still remember that night, stealing glances at you in the candlelight...
Prom night, at dinner...

I knew you would be this incredible.

And I know you understand these things, but
I know your heart
And I know that knowing things, doesn't it always make it easy
To Share.
But you can share me, and my love Ray, with the rest of the world
And never feel like you're being left behind, or relegated to the background,
Because you're not
And you never will be.
You will never get less of me for it,
I promise you,
I will only be all the greater for you
Because I will be a soul who is fulfilling what they were meant to do
On this earth.
To Love,
And love much.

As much as possible.

So just know, dear Ray, that
Just because that one piece
Wasn't about you
And that just because my heart has learned the secrets to know how to expand
And encompass
And embrace
Infinitely
[and because I know I must have a voice]
[and because I know what I need to speak]
[like a touch]
[like a hand upon a shoulder]
[or a catching of the eye]
[When they know that I know
And that I can see
Straight through them
And that I still Care
To the core of my soul]
Just because I can make room for a hundred others
That I may choose to love
With all my heart
Until the day I die

Ray

That will NEVER
Mean
That you will suffer for it
That you will be pushed aside
Or sacrificed
Or forgotten
Or mean any less
Than if they were never there.

You were my Original, Ray
You have always been my Original
I only got to have one of those in my life, and
It was you.

And I came back to you,
Time and time again
And...
Now.

As we have discussed, this would have gone on permanently
You were always the one
You were always mine
I was always yours
In that way that you know that
Even through all the years
That I loved others,
I never loved you any less
My love for you only grew with time
And History
Just as it does today.
Nothing has changed, really

I always loved You infinitely...
First.

Oh. My. God.

What in the HELL was I thinking??!

I have to mark a momentous occasion here...I have just deleted - completely - my LiveJournal account. My Real one, from 2002. May I repeat, what in the HELL was I thinking, having that stuff on there??!

I'm all about honesty and openness but MY GOD. When I saw what was on there it had to be deleted THAT INSTANT. I looked through to see if there were any comments I wanted to keep, there were a few from Douche Bag Thom (which is different than regular Thom...or are they one in the same?...Nah...I'll never believe it.), but I can't deny that it was because of said Thom that I was able to get that stuff OFF OF THE INTERNET, NOW!!!, because he'd put all of it in Word format for me already, long ago. Thank god.

-DELETE-

One good thing about seeing the comments he did leave (those were almost the only times he did leave them, when he was being passive aggressive and we were fighting), it made it easier to say "piss off, jerk" and good riddance.

Yeah right.

Nothing changes. I'm never happy to see a relationship turn to ash like that and blow away. He still wants to pretend I don't exist. I still want to be good friends again. It will never go away.

Anyway, before I wax all melancholic on water that's evaporated under the bridge, I just had to get this out somewhere that the Delete has been done. I'd be sad, but...I'm too relieved, second only to my shell-shock that it was ever there to begin with.

Crazy teenagers/20 years olds.