Ten Minutes: NAU pangs

I felt it tonight at the gym. Oddly, it was something as simple as standing in line for the water fountain, the backs of two college- or my- aged guys getting their drinks. The familiar long shorts and tshirts, and I felt it suddenly, how much I miss that old life.

I missed riding my bike to French class, or walking to History. I miss the activity always going on around you, free for you to take part in or hide out from. I miss hiding out from my life some nights in my room, when I was an RA and had endless tasks and responsibilities and could-be-doings, and the reprieve I would get from closing my door, turning off the light, and writing to get away from it for just a spell if I needed to.

I miss getting food from the Union, meeting with friends for a meal, the beautiful weather. I miss meeting new people in class and having so many different people my age to look at, puzzle over, be interested about. I miss professors and connecting with them. I miss my friends.

I miss my long and late night conversations with Thom, and figuring out the world, and taking it by storm. I miss working my way into new peoples' hearts, and road trips, and having all those great experiences that make me smile now to think back on. I still have those, of course...moments like that. But I do miss the setting being Flagstaff.

College was so much fun...if I only could have understood fully what it was to have all the different resources there and available - a gym right there; food right there; so many people and experiences, just RIGHT there. I miss the people...I miss being surrounded by people. It's not the same being in the "real" world, real meaning outside of communal living. I LOVED communal living. If I had the chance to live in a dorm right now I'd take it in a heartbeat. I will enjoy being on the road again and frequenting the hostels; I only hope I will again settle in one for a semi-long term like I got to in Queenstown. I love community, and the constant air of opportunity that envelops it.

But even with all these "I misses" pouring out, I can feel the moment is gone. I hate pangs. I love them a tiny bit because it's like it takes you back, to RIGHT THERE, in the moment you have it. But they're so painful for just that reason...it's so intense and so vibrant and so real...and then it's gone, and you know those moments are gone for good. It's like having a dream, only like a shot of a dream into your vein, you know those dreams where you see someone you haven't seen for a long time and it actually feels like it was good to see them when you wake up. It hurt, even as I was having it, but at the same time, god it was so good to stand on that pedway again.

I guess it's a fair enough price to pay for such things to have, at one time, been my reality. I am grateful for that much.

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